instant Humour

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are.

The dad replies, “Well son, those are condoms and they’re for protection when you’re having sex.”

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it.

The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, “Why six?”

The dad replies, “Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.”

The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question.

The dad replies, “Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March….”

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.

As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. “What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” said the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture.” The man said.

“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” The cop asked.

“My wife.” said the man.

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed… driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Give me a break! You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: “WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!”

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!”

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said, as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”

The doctor quickly responded, $5,000 for a male brain, and $1,000 for a female brain.”

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more?”

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, “It’s just standard pricing procedure.”

“We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve been used!”

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

“Let’s have a party, Homer,” she suggested. “Let’s kill a pig.”

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. “Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.

“Now listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever yo do to that poor, defenceless creature i shall personally do to you”

“In that case,” said the boy, “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”